Your Appendix - WHY???

Do you realize that doctors still aren't sure why we have an appendix, or what its function is, or what causes it to freak out and almost kill you?

Just askin'.

P.S. gross.

The Problem with Air Travel

Everyone knows that riding/driving in a car is far more dangerous than flying on a commercial airline.

To wit:

# of motor vehicle traffic crash fatalities:

2008 - 37,261

2007 - 41,259

2006 - 42,708

2005 - 43,510

(you can read more here)

# of commercial airline fatalities:

2008 - 3

2007 - 1

2006 - 50

2005 - 22

(got that info here)

Unfortunately, though, even with the above statistics, you will begin to freak out about the sheer number of planes in the sky above us at any given moment.

In 2009 there were 10,349,200 (that's million) departures and 7,557,161,000 (that's BILLION) miles flown in the U.S alone.

Ahhhhh!!!!

I know. . .stop thinking about it. Seriously, stop it.

Let's move on. . .

The problem isn't the facts. The problem is perception. Human beings are not bounded by the limitations of facts. Quite the opposite - we actively and aggressively reject any facts when they don't back up our already decided interpretation.

So, facts don't matter.

Back to the problem. . . Air Travel.

It's just so in-your-face that you are not in control of the situation, because, let's face it, most likely, YOU are not the one flying the plane

(P.S. thank GOD).

It's hard to give up that much control to someone else, especially when you're going 500 mph at 35,000 feet. The only way to deal with it is to avoid it altogether. But this poses a dilemma for live-TV folk: like using a porta-potty, air travel is one of the hazards of the profession. One could make a rather convincing argument that the portable toilet is more dangerous than flying. . . but that's not the point at the moment.

Star Trek has it right - the way to go long distances is to figure out how to do it in an instant. It's time travel, really, and it takes care of all your concerns about flying across the country.

"But Mary Woo," you may be saying, "teleportation won't be possible for another 5, maybe 10 years! How does that help me NOW?"

Well, I have the solution. All you need is a pillow, a cocktail, and Galilean Relativity.

Yeah, I SAID it - Galilean Relativity (more here).

Look - if there's no light, you can't tell if you're moving.

Try it the next time you're airborne - close your eyes and imagine that the plane is still taxi-ing down the tarmac. Could be, no? Now, I know you KNOW you're in the air, and if the plane climbs, turns, or descends (OH MY GOD!!!!!!) you can definitely tell you're moving. But, at a steady pace, with no turbulence,you can easily imagine yourself still.

Sleeping on a plane is virtual time travel. You put your head down on the pillow in Los Angeles, CA and - BLAM!! Suddenly you're landing in Charlotte, NC. Sweet!!!!

Give me a window seat, my purple pillow, a vodka soda in the airport bar and I am ready to time travel. Einstein would be proud. I mean, come on, it's in his name: "Ein" "Stein" - as in "One Stein" as in "A pint of lager, please, Mary!"

It's all perceptions - the dangers of air travel, travelling through time, Einstein's theory of relativity and cocktails. It's all how you look at things.

What was my point again? Oh yeah - facts are meaningless to human beings. That's a fact and it will be meaningless to you. When you strip away all the data and personal interpretations it all comes down to just a few self-evident truths.

Feather pillow, decent vodka, and our unalienable right to a clean, warm, dry place to do our business. Amen.

failblog.org rules!

more fail here

The Cell Phone Tinkler

Can someone please explain this to me?

Why do we feel the need to take the cell phone conversation into the bathroom with us these days?

Is what you're saying THAT important?

Really?

R.E.A.L.L.Y.???

And this is an international phenomenon. . .

So I'm at Dulles International Airport (inexplicably called "IAD" for short) and I'm wandering around concourse D and I find a small, yet empty, ladies for my own private use.

Score!

As I'm washing my hands, in walks an IAD employee

talking a mile a minute into her cell phone.

What language was she speaking? Russian? Armenian?

I do not know.

What I do know is that she did not stop talking or even take a breath as she entered a stall and proceeded to do her business. I made a hasty exit, as loud tinkling resounded from the stall, barely audible over the mid-european-ish diatribe.

This encounter raises several questions, such as:

1. Is this not considered rude behavior all the way around?

2. Doesn't this open your phone up to an unnecessary proximity to cell-phone damaging water as you are about two seconds away from dropping it into a (possibly soiled) toilet bowl?

3. You don't need BOTH hands in there????

Ladies and Gentlemen, if you have to go THAT BAD,

you can call me back!

Seriously, I'm fine with that.

BEST.PRODUCT.NAME.EVER.

Dig it:

I finally spied one of these in an LAX ladies and it's pure genius!

You know you wish you had thought of it!

(Oh, btw, just TRY to NOT find porn when you google search for "hiny hiders". Go ahead, I dare you).

Don't Mess With Texas (Girls)

Another gem from undercover photog MD, this time from an un-named restaurant's ladies room somewhere in Texas:

That's right, the LADIES ROOM.

MD claims he did not take the photo himself, let's just believe him, shall we?

Not sure what's going here, but I postulate that it's some sort of retaliatory gesture - probably in reference to the obvious lack of tp, or maybe for the hideous lighting scheme.

Scary Times in Texas

No, I'm not talking about the racing, I'm talking about this:

(My undercover, roving reporter, I'll just call him"MD", captured this image in one of the mens rooms at Texas Motorspeedway)

Huh.